The gentle breeze touching my face, I can smell the new season is coming.

The need to get rid of the old world has beckoned and acceptance becomes the only solution.

Should I be bothered? But that's the least of the many emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling the liberation from what has been holding me.

Ah! I'm reminded of Jordan Peterson's word, "and if I'm a free agent, my first reaction to command might just be that nobody, not even God, tells me what to fo, even if it's for me. But the story of the golden calf also reminds us that without rules we quickly become slaves to our passion - and there's nothing freeing about that."

This does not make any sense but I'm liking this new season so far. 

"Please stop making yourself stupid", said the mind.

"Don't worry, I know what I am doing." Said the heart.

"But you don't have the mind to know what you are doing"

"I know, but at least I have a feeling to know what will make you happy."

"But it is painful already", the mind replied

"I can still keep up, I will know how it feels", said the heart.

Unwillingly, the mind let the heart do what it wants. 

This post is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogues are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT entirely a coincidence.

As Gaiman puts it, there is a so called trigger warning which warns us for the content of the books, or work of arts that might cause disturbances. I was hoping that it would be the same with love. Before you fall for someone, the trigger warning should be big enough to forewarn the client of its side effects. Because loving someone causes more than disturbances, it will put you into the curse of having sleepless nights, stupidity and worst, paranoia. "This is fiction alright!", said she.  

Like every work of fiction, children are always taught of happy endings, like those stupid-fantasy love stories that Walt Disney stuck to our young minds. I just find it unfair that comic books have some trigger warning but not these fairy tales, or may be I was just too innocent and have not checked it. I mindlessy flipped the pages and let my mind wander to the fantasy land where happy endings were real. The stories were always like you-like-me-i-like-you-lets-get-married-but-wait-thers-one-villain-my-stepmother-but-it-will-be-defeated-eventually-then-happy-ending. Damn right huh? and I am so f*cking stupid to believe that this formula actually works.

I took the bait and started to let the chains that were holding me back go. I was so afraid to fall because I know I'm not ready.  I was holding back and God knows how much I have tried, but I failed, I failed big time.  For the first time I have no control of my mind, demmit, I guess this is the side effect of love, at some point, logic cannot reason and your reasons will have no logic at all. It's crazy and I was totally crazy for assuming that the person was the One. It was almost a year since that journey. My friends have varied opinion, it was so hard. At some point I felt I was alone in that trip. I was actually disappointed because all I want was their support but since they are not 100% then doubts also started to cripple me. I stopped. But I only stop telling stories, my heart still keeps beating for that person.

Although, can't blame my friends too, that Person was also scheming. Like I'm not sure if his actions were just a made-up fantasy. I really felt it, my intuition tells me that there was a chance, like a big chance for us, unfortunately I was the only one feeling it. I have a gut feel that he is also holding back because of his issues. And Gahhdd he has a lot. But like the hopeless romantic in me, I was willing to help him resolve his issues, help him to grow, help him to love himself because I sense a lot of hate. I did these things even if unsolicited but that was a misstep for me. Why a misstep? Because I felt that I am pouring water to a pitcher full of holes, yes I have lots of love to give but the source is limited that I started hating myself. Love runs out as Tedder would say. So I rested, I supplied myself of that self-love which thankfully was overflowing.

But damn that nagging feeling of hope, my stubborn heart and my heroic tendencies of saving people from themselves. I came running towards him again. I cling to the hope that there was still a chance but he failed me again. I have nothing to blame but myself, because truly I brought it and took it upon myself to still gamble. I was so angry because I just find it unfair that he was capable of showing love to others but not to me. Then it suddenly occured that maybe I was not the princess in this story, but instead I was the villain, and I am just insisting my own happy ending and tears rushed from this realization. But like every villain, I must not accept defeat.

I still fought since the re-charged self-love still fuels me, but unfortunately, this is where the story ends. She woke up. It was an inception.

The totem stopped from spinning. The reality starts to sink in to her conciousness. The alternate universe which was the reality shows that she was only the girl so desperately in love with the 'boy' who didn't give a damn care. The boy crushed the girl's heart willingly or unwillingly. He still has a lot of issues and she was not able to help him. There was actually no connection, it was all made up. The only connection they had was the fact that they met, like the pair of lines that meet once then drifts apart forever.

In one small town, a fool decided to challenge the sun and threatened it not to rise.

The plane was bound somewhere near the pacific. It was past midnight and most passengers were sound asleep. Suddenly, an unexpected turbulence hits the plane, making the ride a bit shaky and uncomfortable. At first, the crowd seems calm, but tensions starts to build up when lighting disturbed the quiet sky. A loud rumbling follows, which draws panic to the faces of most passengers.

"We are sorry for the turbulence, we just got information that the storm in the pacific is slowly intensifying. We will try our best to make your ride comfortable and safe." announced the pilot.

While scenarios and worry faces occupy most passengers, one child sits comfortably playing his ipad, without any trace of fear. A curious passenger beside him asked, "Child, are you not afraid that the plane will crash at this rate?"

The child looked at him, slightly confused. "Why? Is there anything to be afraid of?", answered the child.

"Don't you see, the plane might crash?", said the adult.

"Oh, yeah, said the child, don't worry, it will not crash," the kid interjected.

"My father is the pilot of this plane, I know we are safe.", the child added.


Credits to the owner of the photo santabanta.com

 

"How are you now?" the conscience speaks to me for the first time after a maelstrom of emotions capsized my emotional balance.

I answer, "I'm fine rusticating in my comfort zone".

The conscience remark, "Well and good, hope your enjoying your stay there." and give me a strange look. Her eyes showed me an image that looks like an older version of me.

The image of the woman shows disgust and apathy, she's more of a machine than of a human.

"Who is she?" I inquire disturbingly.

"Didn't you recognize her?" conscience answer in  disbelief.

"Eh, No?" I answer. "Well she looks like me, but not me. She's older and looks hateful. I am sure that's not me." I add, reassuringly.

"I see, well do you want to meet her?"say the conscience. "Why would I? I retort.

"Isn't it your goal to help troubled people?", the conscience remind me.

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot. Maybe I can help her with something." "I would ask her why she looks hateful and burdened."

"Hmmm, and I can also try fixing her disgusted look by listening to her story." I add excitingly.

The conscience is busy looking for something inside her bag and doesn't seem to listen to what I'm saying.

I was a bit annoyed since she's not listening. I thought she's being dismissive.

I am about to turn my back from her and finish this nonsense conversation, "Aha! I have it." she exclaims, which got my attention.

I curiously come closer to her. She pulls out a mirror in her bag, shows it to me. My mouth opens but no sound comes out. Then I remember, I have not look in the mirror for years.

Photo grabbed from http://baylorbarbee.com/blog/dear-you/

Sara Crewe Photo Source: http://www.ne.jp/asahi/ramdas/sara/illust/sara/sara14.jpg

Sara Crewe with her father Photo Source: http://www.ne.jp/asahi/ramdas/sara/illust/sara/sara25.jpg

I came from a very far place, I was tired, exhaustion was an understatement of what I felt that day. "Rest and sleep" were the words that my mind was shouting. I was ready to get to the usual routine, until I saw someone, a person whom I see only in my dreams. I walked towards the hallway and I thought, maybe I was really in my sleep and this was just another episode of my lucid dreaming tendencies, then the person gave me a smile. I was stunned, I felt I was under the "stupified" spell of the boy-who-lived. Ah! This is really lucid dreaming. A dream within a dream.

As I ride on with the adventure of the dreamer, I uncuffed myself of my self-imposed chains of fears. I smiled back and I know this was going to be a sweet dream. I never thought that we will be able to connect in this world that I have created.The barriers that I thought will separate us, became a bridge for me to discover more of myself.

... I saw you sleeping, and then I told myself, maybe I should wake up since you are already tired of accompanying me in this world that I have created for us. I wake you up, you were startled, and my plan to wake up myself was postponed. I checked my own self, hoping, that I can still endure of maintaining this dream.

But then, dreams are short, the periods cannot be extended as its time to bid goodbye. You offered an ice cream, not those ordinary ice cream but the one in cones, your ice cream. I saw you tasted it and felt it. Your eyes were sparkling, I had a feeling that you have read my mind when you shared with me your ice cream. Again, you put me on your spell, I don't know what to do, will I accept it? But, this is transient. That's when I woke up. A dream indeed.


THIS IS FICTION.