Journey to the bittersweet reality

12:07 PM

This post is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogues are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT entirely a coincidence.

As Gaiman puts it, there is a so called trigger warning which warns us for the content of the books, or work of arts that might cause disturbances. I was hoping that it would be the same with love. Before you fall for someone, the trigger warning should be big enough to forewarn the client of its side effects. Because loving someone causes more than disturbances, it will put you into the curse of having sleepless nights, stupidity and worst, paranoia. "This is fiction alright!", said she.  

Like every work of fiction, children are always taught of happy endings, like those stupid-fantasy love stories that Walt Disney stuck to our young minds. I just find it unfair that comic books have some trigger warning but not these fairy tales, or may be I was just too innocent and have not checked it. I mindlessy flipped the pages and let my mind wander to the fantasy land where happy endings were real. The stories were always like you-like-me-i-like-you-lets-get-married-but-wait-thers-one-villain-my-stepmother-but-it-will-be-defeated-eventually-then-happy-ending. Damn right huh? and I am so f*cking stupid to believe that this formula actually works.

I took the bait and started to let the chains that were holding me back go. I was so afraid to fall because I know I'm not ready.  I was holding back and God knows how much I have tried, but I failed, I failed big time.  For the first time I have no control of my mind, demmit, I guess this is the side effect of love, at some point, logic cannot reason and your reasons will have no logic at all. It's crazy and I was totally crazy for assuming that the person was the One. It was almost a year since that journey. My friends have varied opinion, it was so hard. At some point I felt I was alone in that trip. I was actually disappointed because all I want was their support but since they are not 100% then doubts also started to cripple me. I stopped. But I only stop telling stories, my heart still keeps beating for that person.

Although, can't blame my friends too, that Person was also scheming. Like I'm not sure if his actions were just a made-up fantasy. I really felt it, my intuition tells me that there was a chance, like a big chance for us, unfortunately I was the only one feeling it. I have a gut feel that he is also holding back because of his issues. And Gahhdd he has a lot. But like the hopeless romantic in me, I was willing to help him resolve his issues, help him to grow, help him to love himself because I sense a lot of hate. I did these things even if unsolicited but that was a misstep for me. Why a misstep? Because I felt that I am pouring water to a pitcher full of holes, yes I have lots of love to give but the source is limited that I started hating myself. Love runs out as Tedder would say. So I rested, I supplied myself of that self-love which thankfully was overflowing.

But damn that nagging feeling of hope, my stubborn heart and my heroic tendencies of saving people from themselves. I came running towards him again. I cling to the hope that there was still a chance but he failed me again. I have nothing to blame but myself, because truly I brought it and took it upon myself to still gamble. I was so angry because I just find it unfair that he was capable of showing love to others but not to me. Then it suddenly occured that maybe I was not the princess in this story, but instead I was the villain, and I am just insisting my own happy ending and tears rushed from this realization. But like every villain, I must not accept defeat.

I still fought since the re-charged self-love still fuels me, but unfortunately, this is where the story ends. She woke up. It was an inception.

The totem stopped from spinning. The reality starts to sink in to her conciousness. The alternate universe which was the reality shows that she was only the girl so desperately in love with the 'boy' who didn't give a damn care. The boy crushed the girl's heart willingly or unwillingly. He still has a lot of issues and she was not able to help him. There was actually no connection, it was all made up. The only connection they had was the fact that they met, like the pair of lines that meet once then drifts apart forever.

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