I was in Iloilo still struggling to recover my sane self after the grueling removals I took in remedial law -  the exam that will decide if I shall finally wear my red toga. I didn't even have the time to actually recover since I really need to work for the workplan comments and budget for the program that we are handling. I'm in the middle of meeting, when during break, I decided to open my Facebook account to get updates regarding the list of graduates.  I heart was pounding although I am ready for whatever result my exam will yield. 

Unfortunately, my name was not on the list. I didn't know how to react, or maybe I was too tired to actually react, plus I still need to get hold of myself as I am still in the middle of the workshop. I was sad, but I was also thinking of my recovery plan. I spread the word, chatted my friends, sent SMS to my family and other friends on the unfortunate news. I think I owe it to them and since it kinda divide the impact when you have someone you can share the news with. 

I actually had a sensible plan B. Continue my review then start reviewing for the bar next year. I also got a message from my blockmate who asked me to write a reconsideration letter. I obliged since that will be a last recourse, although I know that it will be a futile exercise as the admin today has been very strict in terms of limiting the number of graduates. After the meeting, I stayed in my room, I checked myself, wanted to cry actually, but for some reason I can't. Decided to eat a mouthful korean dish, then return to hotel. I decided to write the letter around midnight since I was sooo tired, I fell asleep, then woke up in the middle of the night to write the reconsideration letter. 

Friday, I woke up and decided to continue my prayer ritual. Prayed the rosary, then prayed to St. Jude hoping against hope that God will reconsider His plan. It was actually my first time to really run to St. Jude, the patron of hopeless cases. Well, considered mine as hopeless and in any case I have nothing to lose as I only have my faith. Around 10:00AM that morning, God has answered. He reconsidered. I graduated. 

I am still in awe while remembering those moments. It's like I have escaped death in a very cunning way. I don't know what happened all of the sudden. I guess you can likened it during the moment when Ms. Colombia was announced as the winner of Ms. Universe and the "wait, there's more" moment when it was actually Pia Wurtzbach who deserved the title. I was speechless and I have nothing but gratitude to God as I know He was all behind this. My lawschool life was not easy, but it was all worth it and I am writing this to remind me that I was blessed and to never waste this opportunity. Miracles do come true and that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. 

I am lying here and doing nothing, just letting the time passed me by. I was stuck in the moment, eyes on the ceiling. Tik tok tik tok. The sound that becomes a familiar noise. 

I'm immobilized and paralyzed. An inutile in a vegetative stage. I felt I was brought into a place for crazies, and I am slowly... slowly drowning... the sound of the water rushing in my ears... shhhh.... and I am losing myself. 

My silent litany before I lose it was "Please let me wake up, I don't want to fall."


Image courtesy of http://hqwallbase.com/163894

‘If it’s love…” the song by the Train plays on rewind whenever I feel very nostalgic. I was listening to this song while I’m taking my first step inside the life in law school. It reminds me of my first day, my clumsiness of entering the school premises with a removed heel, having a “mentos moment”. Hah! I can’t believe it was four years ago, and yesterday, I just finished my fourth year in law school. Well, not the law course itself, but more or less, I’m done with all the subjects in law school. Next school year will just be review, integration, and preparation for the bar. This will happen, if I opt to take all my review subjects (considering the school load of 21 units, plus another 4 units if my grade in one subject will not be reconsidered) next school year. But as I originally planned it, I really want to finish the course in five (5) years. But whatever comes, I’ll just readily accept it. 

Four (4) years after experiencing the roller coaster life in law school, I’m still wondering if I have the knack to make the cut or if my passion had wane through the struggles brought by both internal and external forces of nature. Hmmm. I must admit, there was a time when I questioned my ability that I almost gave up two (2) years ago. But I went back and talked to my three (3) year old self and asked her what she wanted to become when she grew up, and she gave me “the answer” with the same passion and with burning eyes. I felt her strong conviction, and I was ashamed of my older self for not fulfilling her dream. So, here I am still fighting for that dream! 

Some of my friends have already jumped through the last obstacle of having the “ATTY” added to their name and I am so proud of them. CONGRATULATIONS! Although my standing for this year looks a little terrible, I am hopeful that I’d be able to make it to my fifth year in San Beda. It’s kinda hopeless, but I have gone through the hopelessness to know that there is still HOPE. So for now, I’ll look up and just have FAITH. 

Happy summer vacay everyone!!! J

While singing in the karaoke, my eyes caught a song in the list which was my favorite back then. It was a song from 4 Non Blondes. I don't know why it became my favorite, my guess? maybe because of its melody. I haven't really understood its lyrics then, hmmm ..maybe I have... but not as I understand it now.

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
just to get it all out what's in my head
and I am feeling a little peculiar
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution

Well nothing really, just some random thought and a post. A sign of quarter-life crisis maybe. 

Meh! 

Something stirs inside me, an unexplained feeling, is it sadness? Anxiety? Emptiness? It's not yet ripe for sorting and I am letting myself feel it. I believe ito's important to allow myself to freeze in a while when everything seems unclear.

The wandering

The urgent feeling to escape is blurring my logical reasoning. The closer I look within myself, the more feeling of retaliation I get. It's as if I am resisting my own existence, my whole being. Being lost is common to me but being lost with a feeling of defeat is a new sensation I hope not to feel. The sudden lost of direction, the purpose, the corrupt society, the feeling of hopelessness to the situation in my outside world is really affecting my existence. I am trying to shake it off and go on, but I can't stand seeing injustice being done, the unfairness and the bitter reality slapping me. I become a bitter machine, a barrel full of poisonous substance. The more I engage, the more I become dangerous inside, ready to snap, ready to go for a kill. 

Why? It's always why for me, why others turn a blind eye, is it the way this society should be lived of just to survive? The more bigger question for me is why am I being affected with all the things that's happening. Why? because lives are wasted, lives are at stake, and others are fine with this. Worst, while everybody is shouting that they really care, I am not feeling it, because for me, this world is becoming a superficial world full of dolls. They only look at themselves and not for the other people, its always a fake concerned and a fake smiles, a fake statements and a fake love. Nobody really cares! I developed a feeling of mistrust to all the good things because of the reality that is continuously and disturbingly slapping me. Is this really the society I lived in? At the end of the day, I am coming into conclusion that this world is really lived to be about I? It's the I-Society with phony compassion and wicked intentions. Agh! Enough of this wandering for now, I am afraid that if I see things clearer, I will not be able to swallow it and be choked to death and be doomed forever. 

"Brick walls are there for reason. And once you get over them-- even if someone has practically had to throw you over-- it can be helpful to others to tell them how you did it. " - Randy Pausch

Maybe it was meant that I have to read The Last Lecture of Randy Pausch during the summer break. The "brick walls" quote was the first thing that came to my mind when I have learned my prof line-ups in my 7th semester in Law school. The anxiety I have felt during the summer break really comes to life. I don't know if this is a curse but next time I will not think of the worst because I'm always the casualty of my 'annoying' thoughts. Anyway, I was given a very high brick walls to climb on for this semester. The good news is I am still a bedan student, the bad news is, I don't know for how long. But since I am removing the 'negatrons' in my system, I am assuming that I will be able to finish this semester alive and kicking. 

I will convince myself that this is the 'test' for me if I really love what I'm doing. Truthfully, I was having second thoughts of pursuing my dream of becoming a lawyer. I was so distracted last year with all the hullabaloos in my life, but I was still lucky since I have met the QPI of San Beda without failing any subjects and without any conditions. But for this year, I was awaken from a very long sleep by an electric shock, which stoned me for so many days now. I was going up and down, side by side, nauseated with the reality that I'm about to face.

Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, I know God will not give this if I will not be able to overcome this. Ok, I know that. Still. I'm a bit worried. #bipolarmodeactivated #unleashedthegolluminside 

But.. but.. but.. I have a lot of 'buts' But I guess I have no excuse, I need to do this, I have spent all of my hard-earned salary just to pursue this dream. These obstacles reminded me of why I wanted to become a lawyer. Cliche as it may sound but I really hope to address the injustice or at least to make the playing field in the court on equal footing for the oppressed and the marginalized. 

I might be in hiatus for the next six months which I hope I can endure and pull-off (Friends don't tempt me please!). Anyway, I just dropped-by to my blog, I will try my best to update you. For now, I still have 38 provisions to memorize in verbatim, a hundred pages of readings and tons of cases to digest and comprehend, all needed to be accomplished over the weekend, plus deadlines to my workload WOAH! #slashwristhere

While facing these huge tasks, I will just cling to Prof. Randy Pausch saying that " The brick walls are there for reasons. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something"  I badly want to become a hotshot lawyer therefore I really need to climb the brick walls, and I am gearing myself upwards right now. I just hope that I will rise with my sanity intact. #cueofChristianBaleclimbingthewallinthedarkknightrises. 

Bye for now. Xiao! 

I was confronted with sadness. It's again the ghost of the past and the fear of the future that is haunting me. I fought the urge of entertaining the sadness that slowly cripples me, but the forces were irresistible  It brings back old wounds that weakens my entire system. The open wound thirst to be treated, but no one has the courage to even dare look at it. It's a quagmire which depth can't be measured, a really scary place to. My persistent and tired heart is pumping to fight back, to regain its life, but it's not an easy task. 

As strong as I ought to be, I still feel weak inside. My heavy heart is overloaded with all the frustrations, shattered dreams and lost hope that were all hammered to my broken heart. It aims for a double kill. My core has a lot of baggage making it harder to revive. 

I maybe walking and laughing and living but I am empty inside. I think I have created a monster that is eating me up. I am a monster. I am the monster whom I cannot defeat. The monster hungry with a lot of things. A monster deprived of happiness. A monster who asked for more. A monster without contentment. I don't know how to fight it, if fighting it would also means killing me. 

Sometimes I have wished I was not me, but I have nothing but myself. If I lost it, I will lose everything, leaving with no trace that I can identify with. I need a resurrection. 

...and I armed myself of all the remaining strength to conquer the monster inside me.  

I am dreading from my situation right now. Past few months have been so ungrateful to me that I didn't know what I did to deserve this. Emptiness and sadness will be shy to be with me right now as I am becoming a person with nothing but a hollow heart waiting to be part of the soil where I came from. But, I know that is not how life should be walked upon. The journey is still long enough for me to give up, I must gather all my strength and endurance to take the long walk and not the shorter path. It would be unjustifiable for me to accumulate the talent and somehow wisdom that the great Lord has bestowed upon if I will just cross the forsaken path. Many have been tested, but only few were chosen, this is the test of faith that every man must endure; He walked through it, clenched it, savored it and tasted it with such compassion and hope. I must do the same, for it is only the way for me to bear it.

I believe, this is not the end of misfortunes, many is yet to come, I might collapse and stumble and worst, I may faint, for I am only a frivolous being with such a fickle heart. But hope should not escape me, for it is the tiny light that is helping me crawl with tiny little steps to seize the day that I shall come forward and be back to the light. For the meantime, I shall be prepared. I may be accustomed to the darkness today, but that shall not make me afraid, for as long as I know the feeling of beauty as I have seen it before, darkness will never be forever. As long as I am seeing such tiny light, I must not wave the white flag of defeat, I must know the value of sacrifice He endured, just to save His children out of this misery.

However, I am seeking You right now to let me see the tiny light, it is now a very small spot to me, that I don't even recognize. Give me an assurance that such will not wane, that such will never be out of my sight. Please be at my side and let Your light shine upon me and to my roots that has somehow frustrated me. 

'Who are the best local leaders of this country, you need to make a research and a paper about them' That is the assignment that prompt us during college to know more about our local government units. The same activity has opened a lot of opportunities for me to know more about local best practices and to the then Mayor, Sec. Jesse Robredo. Mayor Robredo is one of the leaders that has put the Philippines in the map through his innovative programs and projects in the City of Naga. 

Whenever I walk that path, I feel trapped inside the dark hole housed inside me. I can't explain the sadness and the knife that cuts deeply into me, opening the wounds of the past. I am alone again. Walking restlessly in the same path I am walking over and over again, without direction, without hope and without light. This dark hole inside me slowly goes for a kill which left me empty. I am like a headless chicken, running for my life, asking for help and begging for saving. However, I didn't even know if I'm even worth it? I wouldn't know the answer as I can't even save myself from this misery that's succumbing me. 

I am there always in the shadows, afraid to show myself, afraid to be condemned. I am dark and that is what I am. I am fooling myself with beautiful colors when I know I will always be in the dark side. I tried to see the light but I always fail big time. Even the weather outside my window is acquiescent to the state of my mind. I don’t know I am just simply lost.

Ang aking handog sa iyong paglisan

Kahit kami ay iyong hinanda
kami pa rin ay labis na nabigla
sa iyong biglaang pagkawala
parang kailan lang sa eskwela
ay magkakasama at maririning ang halakhakan at mga tawa!

Sa iyong matatamis na ngiti
kami ay labis mong nabighani
sa mga banat mong kahit corny
ay napapatawa mo pa rin kami.

ang di matatawaran mong kagalingan
pagmamahal sa kapawa at sa kaibigan
yan ay lagi naming matatandaan
hindi ka namin malilimutan

naalala ko pa nung ako ay nahirapan
sa eskwela at sa totoong buhay man
ikaw ang kasama ko sa paghahanap ng trabaho
kahit hindi mo man kailangan nito.
tinatangi ko sa puso ko ang sinabi mo sa aking
"pagsubok lang yan" "kaya mo yan" at nandito lang ako"

Nung tayo ay sabay na pumasok sa isang organisasyon
hindi ko malimutan ng sabay tayong mabugbog
pilit man nila tayong paghiwalayin ako ay tiwalang ika'y mananatili sa aking piling.
Gumaan ang ating pinagdaanan pagkat ito ay magkasama nating hinarap.
"maverick" ang pangalan nating na siyang nagpatatag
sa samahan nating nandyan parang kailan lang.

Nangako tayo sa isa't-isa na ikaw ay magiging pinuno
at ako naman ang iyong magiging tagapag payo
Nasan ka man ngayon alam ko na ikaw pa rin ay magiging matagumpay
pagkat ito ay nasa iyo ng dugo!

Ako'y nalulungkot pagkat hindi na kita maawitan
kahit ang boses ko ay kanilang pinagtatawanan
nadiyan ka at hinahangaan ang boses kong sabi nila'y may kapangitan

Hayaan mong sa huling pagkakataon ika'y aking makantahan
batiin at handugan ng pabaon sa iyong paglisan.

"kung ang lahat ay may katapusan,
itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa parorooan
at sa iyong paglisan, ang tanging pabaon ko
ay pag-ibig"

Paalam na jeza, hanggang sa muling kantahan, iyakan, pagdadamayan at pagtutulungan
ikaw ay mananatili sa puso namin kailanman!

I was awed at my class today, my "favorite" professor who-shall-not-be-named has a sudden behavioral change. He toned down his "untoward" behavior and for some strange reason started to be nice. He seems to be extra nice today, giving tips and some practical knowledge of law; he even told one of my classmates to relax.

To be frank, I am actually a fan! However, during our first meeting, he was really mean. If only he should have been extra nice like what he is today in our class, he might be one of my favorite professors. He is indeed great, no doubt about that, being a bar topnotcher, from one of the most prestigious law school in the Philippines.