Morning is always the hardest day for me lately. I need to make a solid argument on why I should leave the bed and go on with life. The convincing part usually starts at 3:00AM when I will involuntarily wake up and mindlessly browse twitter or social media. I know I can feel it in my throat that I'm really not ok, but for some reason or another, I can't find my will to actually fix myself, for what? What's the point? I feel like being left behind, that everything moves forward before my eyes while I'm stuck with myself. I really don't care anymore, I usually just want to sleep and to escape reality. My browser history would go "what to do when you don't want your life anymore", "how to motivate myself when everything is not ok", "does cognitive behaviour theory helps" or "how to overcome overwhelming emotions". After searching I will just skim through it then lost in my thoughts again, not understanding any of what I've searched. The urge to sleep will come then I'll just realize it's 7:00AM already and I really need to go back to the daily grind. I just cannot make sense of what I'm doing anymore. I just wish someone will actually help and explain these to me, but everyone seems so busy now, I guess I just need to be content with myself for now.

If anything, I would like to summon  the younger version of me, whom in 2014 predicted I'll be like this in my Mirror mirror short story. I actually got creeps when I reread it, but I got high hopes that I'll get through this by predicting otherwise and making my new story. Haaay, I pray for endurance, endurance to get through and rise through the ashes.