This mercury retrograde is draining too much my energy. Deym. I had my usual full load of work like four (4) days hearing and lots to write but for some reason I can't seem to manage it without being irritated. In addition to the fact that colleagues are not helping, instead of being troubleshooters I need to troubleshoot their own troubles like WTF?! Like dude please manage your own I already have too much on my plate. Yes, this is a rant and I have no outlet so my irritation has come to a point that I want to punch someone in the face. I think I need a restful weekend. My weekends so far were plain boring like I will just spend the whole day in the bed watching some random film or series. I guess time to be purposeful. Hay. 

I guess adding to irritation are the unwise decision I had in terms of handling my financial woes, or rather things I spent on are just not as effective, hence the frustration. Like I just want my effing clear face back. Also contemplating whether it is wise to extract my wisdom tooth. Oh well. I can't think effectively now since I had soooooooo much to write and yet still need to attend to a hearing this afternoon. For now I will just blame it to the retrograde. Cmon give me some gatorade. (cringe)

So many emotions enveloped me over the weekend. Probably because it was the birthday week? My pop's 25th death anniversary, so may things have happened in work, and my period is coming. 

Past two (2) weeks have been very busy and the birthday week will also be busy as well. Three (3) consecutive weeks full of hearings and pleadings. My mind can't rest even on a long weekend. Well, no long weekend for me coz needed to come to work on a holiday. So many problems need to be troubleshot, and I'm mentally exhausted. 

Also, so many shocking news this week shared to me by friends, or news I come to know. I guess it affected me. One, asked for an advice on what to do with his relationship, also with another friend. I can only lend an ear, and hugs. I can't share his pain because I have never been into a relationship, and the only thing I can tell him is to talk it out with his partner as he is the only one who can gauge his limitations and non-negotiable. Another is much worse, as it involves a family matter, with sexual abuse in the family. I was engaged as counsel and can't imagine the traumatic experience that they will go through because of the incident. I can only offer my legal services and perhaps prayer for healing as well. I have also learned that one of my favorite consultant/mentor also died after battling cancer. Last conversation with her was in December when she randomly catch-up and even asked for my cats, especially Fujira. My only regret was not able to visit her when I had a chance during one my out of town hearing in Nueva Ecija. My sincerest prayer for the repose of her soul. Lastly, I'm also kind of worried about the criminality situation in the country, I have learned that the rape and murder victim in Malabon was a classmate of my sister. My prayers for her as well, and also healing for the family.  

A lot of changes in the household too. My sister is already in her maternity leave, which means she'll seldom visit our house as she needs to focus on her family full time now. She will be a mother in few weeks time. I will have the room by myself not only on weekends but starting last Friday, and I must say it can get lonely as she's a strong motivation to get up in the morning when I don't have one as I needed to drop her off in the bus station to work. Don't get me wrong, I am really really happy for her, I just need for some adjustment and more motivation to work. 

Well, the good thing that happened was my pro-bono clients were already able to claim their checks/award. I know how that money matters to them, and glad to be of help. It feels good to be reminded of the value of your work. 

Time flies so fast and slowly at the same time. There are times when you feel stuck, and yet life continues to unfold. Cliche as it sounds, 'life is really what you make it', and we just need to get by sometimes if we are tired. Hopefully, a breathing space in the coming weeks. 

I guess that's what Harry felt when he escaped death because of the deathly hallows. I went in trance while figuring out what went wrong in my car. I never thought that I can actually cause a major accident in the expressway when my Fujira necklace and miniature of Our Lady of of Peace and Good Voyage have done its job in saving me. I was surprisingly calm and had presence in mind, it's also good that there are people who are willing to lend a hand in times of danger. 

So I guess this is another reset for me. Another gift of life and I'm so grateful. It dawned upon me that it might be a wake up call to not waste time, and how I was blessed just to be able to get up and work. I should learn to appreciate more. More than ever, I should 'live' life in its real sense and not vicariously. I often doom scroll, or watch shows hoping to find a 'peg' and be inspired but I guess I should be the one setting the 'peg'. I will try to reflect more like the old days than be swayed and lost in the realm of virtual reality that the social media imposed on us. Jonathan Haidt is right, we are being led to staircase of profanity than sacredness when the goal is to reach self-transcendence. 

I just had a realization, of how I was so talkative when I was younger. Browsing the entries on this blog, I had so many stories to tell, and how I diligently note it all. I can't believe that was all seven (7) years ago. I know the rest are still unwritten, but I haven't had the time to write it all. I was just too lazy to think I guess. I don't know whether it's part of the adulting process haha but nowadays I just rather sleep, watch and ruminate. The appreciation of good story telling, I kind of miss it. For now, I had this weird fixation with 'Big Think' essays on the blackhole and the existence of parallel universe. I was reminded of the 'blackhole' story I was writing few years back, hope to sit on it and finally finish writing that story. 

I got to talk to an old time friend last night. Last met up was pre-pandemic. What struck me was how small actions can really be a life changing to another. I was reminded of how I really like books, like really really like it to a point of sharing e-books from years back. I already forgot that I have shared my own e-book collection and how these books helped my friend somehow get through life challenges. I was reminded of my personal legend, like how my small actions can be of help to people in their challenging times. It also reminded me how books inspired me, how it helped me to be creative, to explore uncharted world, and how it makes me feel alive. I guess I needed to return to my old passion.