I'm not a basketball fan, I even hated it before when my "titos" will insist on watching it. I even said what's the point of watching it, it's just men playing basketball, there will be a loser and winner, and so? It was not until I went home early last week and was able to catch the battle between Philippines and Japan in TV, I told myself, hmm why not allow myself to give basketball a chance. I was surprised myself that I've enjoyed it, I even crazily cheered for the Philippine team at home though I know it will not add to the noise of the crowd who were watching live in the MOA Arena.

Luckily, I was fortunate to catch their games from then on, it's either my class were suspended or the prof was not around and we were dismissed early. But, I was particularly stunned with what has transpired in the game of Gilas Pilipinas with Korea. I've had realizations as regards the basketball, I saw it in a wider perspective and I was ashamed of myself for judging it as a mere sports. As I am watching it, I saw the players passion, the passion to give it all, the passion to try, the passion to strive, and the passion to win and make the Filipinos proud. 

As a realization, I believe that just like "life" in general, the game of basketball is about moments. It's about every opportunity you grab in every opening that you see, and trying to make a shot. If you are sure with the shot most likely it will go through, but if you are hesitant, you pray that somehow it will get through that basket and God will give it to you. Sometimes it's not about winning, but the about the moments when you felt that you outsmart your opponent with the strategy that you exert, it's about the confidence that you gain every time you were able to hurdle the obstacle or your guards to give it a shot. It is also about trusting the people around you, particularly your friends, and in the case of basketball your teammates. When you felt that you fall shortly in execution, there are people who will readily assist you and take that shot for you. 

In basketball you will also learned that you can be physical about your opponent, but with every foul act you made, you must be ready to face the consequences; because in every foul act means opportunity for your opponent to take that free throws. It's the same principle that you apply in running your life. You should ensure that you play fair and clean, because "karma" is there to ensure that penalty will be imposed to those who plays dirty tricks. 

In the end, whether you win or lose, like life in general, there are no major loser nor major winner, because every game is an opportunity to learn. It is also opportunity to gain experience, so in every trials that we faced and conquered, it gave us an edge to the next game that we will play. It's not about winning, it's about the moments and being "in the zone". As long as you have the passion to play it best till the end, then you cannot be considered a loser because you know you give it your all. It may not be your lucky game today but your hardwork will be paid off someday. Like the GILAS PILIPINAS, they may have lost previously with Korean team, but they stand up and with all their passion giving it all out and screaming "PUSO", they won and redeemed themselves. Although in the championship game, GILAS may have fallen short, it's fine, because you know that their passion lives on and with that Let's all scream HOLA ESPANYA! GORA FIBA! GILAS PILIPINAS!!!!

I was confronted with sadness. It's again the ghost of the past and the fear of the future that is haunting me. I fought the urge of entertaining the sadness that slowly cripples me, but the forces were irresistible  It brings back old wounds that weakens my entire system. The open wound thirst to be treated, but no one has the courage to even dare look at it. It's a quagmire which depth can't be measured, a really scary place to. My persistent and tired heart is pumping to fight back, to regain its life, but it's not an easy task. 

As strong as I ought to be, I still feel weak inside. My heavy heart is overloaded with all the frustrations, shattered dreams and lost hope that were all hammered to my broken heart. It aims for a double kill. My core has a lot of baggage making it harder to revive. 

I maybe walking and laughing and living but I am empty inside. I think I have created a monster that is eating me up. I am a monster. I am the monster whom I cannot defeat. The monster hungry with a lot of things. A monster deprived of happiness. A monster who asked for more. A monster without contentment. I don't know how to fight it, if fighting it would also means killing me. 

Sometimes I have wished I was not me, but I have nothing but myself. If I lost it, I will lose everything, leaving with no trace that I can identify with. I need a resurrection. 

...and I armed myself of all the remaining strength to conquer the monster inside me.