Pocketful of Sunshine: Emo notes

What's Up?!

10:16 PM

While singing in the karaoke, my eyes caught a song in the list which was my favorite back then. It was a song from 4 Non Blondes. I don't know why it became my favorite, my guess? maybe because of its melody. I haven't really understood its lyrics then, hmmm ..maybe I have... but not as I understand it now.

from know you meme he man sings

Sometimes it's odd that as you grow old, your perspective really changes, even if you think you are still your old self. It's also strange how some songs can really reflect your own struggles and can make you look back and at the same time look forward to future at the same time.

I was referring to the song what's up. The lyrics goes like...

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

I'm 25 right now... and just like that, I felt that the song is speaking to me. I'm still pursuing 'that' dream, maybe also for a destination. But right now, I don't know where my dreams would lead me. I just hope that it would lead me into something good.

and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
just to get it all out what's in my head
and I am feeling a little peculiar

I'm not really crying, but I usually just lie in my bed, and reflect. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse, but sometimes, my thoughts are peculiar than anyone could imagine.

And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution

Well, I just find this very apt. My work now is like a seesaw, sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down. To be more specific, my work sometimes is the source of my happiness but also my unhappiness. It's also true with my law school life. But I believe that we all try to survive the school of life.

And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution

We all want a revolution, a change in the system, and to somehow be part of that change. A catalyst in our own way.

And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on?

Well nothing really, just some random thought and a post. A sign of quarter-life crisis maybe.

Meh!

dark

Of Wicked and false pretense

7:59 PM

Last night with some friends, I watched the Broadway musical "Wicked". It's the second (I think?) broadway musical that was brought here in the Philippines, the first one was Phantom of the Opera. Unfortunately, I was not able to catch Phantom, so I made it to a point to not let "Wicked" passed me by. This post will feature my own interpretation of the story, so if you don't want to be disillusioned don't attempt to scroll down.

It was my first time watching wicked and I must say I love the story as well as its musical arrangements. Why do I love the story? Hmm.. it's because it really depicts the reality of life; that you can never really trust anyone, not even your friend/s, or even your so called "inspiration", which in the case the so called "the great and powerful wizard of Oz. (Sounds dark eh?). It's dark indeed but very real that can happen to anyone, it's a reminder that we are not living in the ideal world and to not trust easily.

I must say, I fell in love with the character of Elphaba in an instant, in fact, I actually pity her for not knowing the true color of her friend Glinda. She was blinded by the pretentious friendship offered to her, just because deep within her, she wanted to belong and she thought she found that with Glinda.

Well, a lot of people may not agree with me, but after the show, I just developed a very deep hatred with Glinda, the so called "good witch" of the north. I think it was Glinda who sent Elphaba to doom, the person behind the death of Nessarose and used Elphaba's friendship to get things that she always wanted to be. She is a pretentious, selfish, bitch. Oops. Sorry, pardon my words. Even in the ending, where she had all the chance to redeem Elphaba, she had all this sorts of "denying her" as her friend, when ironically it was Glinda who told Elphaba that she was her "best friend".

So, what were Glinda's wicked deeds for me? I list it down, you may or may not agree with me, but that's how I see and heard it. I even went back listening to the soundtrack again, and it always gives me this interpretation. So here are the top 10 wicked deeds of Glinda for me.

She used Boq so Fiyero will not see Nessarose, sister of Elphaba who is equally beautiful.
This leads to the lonely life of Nessarose and unhappiness of Boq who always longs for Glinda up to the last minute that forces Nessarose to be "wicked" to get his heart.
She pretends to be good in giving Elphaba the "witch hat" which she really hates and in fact mocks her.
She helped Elphaba to save face in the party, not because she was guilty, but because Fiyero is watching. It was also during the party that she realized that she could use the "goodness" and "gullibility" of Elphaba to fulfill her dream (it was during this stage of the story that she was taken by Madam Morrible to be an apprentice at the request of Elphaba).
She knows that Elphaba's heart is good, so when Elphaba is leaving for Emerald City, she appeared to be pitiful, hence Elphaba ask her to come with her, fulfilling Glinda's dream to meet the Wizard.
Also in the train, she knows that Fiyero is already falling for Elphaba, because they shared the same perspective on fighting for the rights of the animals, but instead, Glinda, changed her name to appear that she is too is one of them, when in fact she was not.
It was also Glinda, who fed to the Wizard and Madam Morrible Elphaba's weakness which is her sister.
Also, in the Wizard of Oz, it was Glinda who led Dorothy to the Wicked witch and even thank her for killing the wicked witch. "You are welcome, most noble Sorceress, to the land of the Munchkins. We are so grateful to you for having killed the Wicked Witch of the East, and for setting our people free from bondage."―The Good Witch of the North
In the later scenes, she ensure that she would not blow her bluff and show her true intentions to Elphaba. So she went back to Elphaba to warn her of the deeds of both the Wizard and Madam Morrible, it was also during this scene that she mocked Elphaba of wanting the red shoes so badly. I believe if you are a true friend, you will know how that thing will be really important to your friend.
Lastly, after hearing that Elphaba is dead, she went persecuting Madam Morrible and the Wizard. Why? There is no threat to her assumption to the highest seat in Oz. It only shows that she doesn't want to share it with Elphaba. She even forsake her. Fiyero knows this, that's why he prevented Elphaba from telling her the truth.

Hahaha. Sorry for the Glinda fans out there, I just really hate her. Anyway, I really love the show and if given another chance, I will watch it again, maybe next time I'll try giving Glinda the benefit of the doubt. LOL. I was "wicked-fied", isn't it obvious? Hahaha.

amazing film

The search for infinite abyss: Garden State movie review

10:32 PM

Photo credit: http://www.traileraddict.com/poster/garden-state

While browsing IMDb.com I came across the film Garden State. It's a 2004 film starred by Natalie Portman and Zach Braff. It's rated 7.6 stars so I downloaded it in a "file-sharing site" which according to my professor in Intellectual Property law is "legal" or is clothed to be "legal". LOL. Whatever means I used in getting a copy of this film is not important what matters is I got a copy in dvdrip. The movie is well..not about the vegetables nor plants! Sorry for trying to be humorous. (insert rolling eyes)

Photo credit: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/garden-state-quotes-that-seemed-more-profound-in-high-school

The film follows Andrew Largeman who went home after 13 years (Oh wait 9 years? Whatever!) to attend the funeral of her mother whom he have not seen since he left home. He is in garden state, well actually garden state was not defined but I guess it's about a state of being caught in the middle of something searching for something like a home or something you can connect to, but actually there is none and it was like a state of being numb without feelings without anything. Whew! That was really wordful for a definition! Anyway, so going back to Largeman, he was in a garden state, he can't feel anything, he can't even cry for God sake! He was like a living dead. Then came Sam (portrayed by Natalie Portman) whom he met in a hospital while he was waiting for his appointment with a neurologist recommended by his father. Sam played mysterious, but it was later on the bluff was discovered, she told him that she is liar and its just a facade to cover up her own wound. She is epileptic.

Photo credit: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/garden-state-quotes-that-seemed-more-profound-in-high-school

Anyway, what I liked about the film is the story line itself mirroring the reality and discovering that living is really quite painful sometimes. Like what normal people are feeling about life, whether they acknowledge it or deny it. We are all in search of that infinite abyss. The idea of discovering something, of making a mark, and proving ourselves that somehow causes unhappiness to some people. But at the end of the day, it really does not matter, because it is all EGO. I am personally guilty of this, because we all felt that we are ought to leave make a mark in this world and somewhere, somehow we are like in search of something we do not know that frustrates us, for what?.. nothing! So it is helpful to know that while we are all searching for infinite abyss, we should still get hold of the things that are important. Things that are already within our reach like family, friends..., we should not succumb to the darkness of infinite abyss or else we will also be in garden state with nothing to hold unto,connected to none. Now, it make sense to me the dialogue of Largeman about having lost connection and not finding home because he lose the string going back home, searching for something in the infinite abyss. It's a reminder that while we are pursuing things we thought that are important, we should not forget to tend to our 'home' where we are connected, it's a piece of string that we should not let go no matter what or we will lose everything.

Photo credit: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/garden-state-quotes-that-seemed-more-profound-in-high-school

Ok, so since I was really infected by this film, let me share some viral lines from the movie.

From Albert:

"Well, maybe. Who knows? But, uh, I used to think all that stuff mattered, that it would only matter if I could put my name on it, that somehow that would prove that I had lived, that I was here, you know? "I did that, that's mine, I got this plate on my travels," but you know what? That's all ego. None of that really matters. If, at the end of the day, I get to be with her, if... If I get to be with this person right here and our beautiful baby, then that's all I need. Just having felt that, if I die in an hour, I know I've lived."

From Andrew Largeman:

You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

It's really a great film and it made me write this blogpost which means I'm "in" it. It's highly recommended for everyone!

Photo credit: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/garden-state-quotes-that-seemed-more-profound-in-high-school

Credits to Buzzfeed.com for amazing meme photos!

Here's the trailer of the film!

current events

The wandering

2:59 PM

Something stirs inside me, an unexplained feeling, is it sadness? Anxiety? Emptiness? It's not yet ripe for sorting and I am letting myself feel it. I believe ito's important to allow myself to freeze in a while when everything seems unclear.

The wandering

The urgent feeling to escape is blurring my logical reasoning. The closer I look within myself, the more feeling of retaliation I get. It's as if I am resisting my own existence, my whole being. Being lost is common to me but being lost with a feeling of defeat is a new sensation I hope not to feel. The sudden lost of direction, the purpose, the corrupt society, the feeling of hopelessness to the situation in my outside world is really affecting my existence. I am trying to shake it off and go on, but I can't stand seeing injustice being done, the unfairness and the bitter reality slapping me. I become a bitter machine, a barrel full of poisonous substance. The more I engage, the more I become dangerous inside, ready to snap, ready to go for a kill.

Why? It's always why for me, why others turn a blind eye, is it the way this society should be lived of just to survive? The more bigger question for me is why am I being affected with all the things that's happening. Why? because lives are wasted, lives are at stake, and others are fine with this. Worst, while everybody is shouting that they really care, I am not feeling it, because for me, this world is becoming a superficial world full of dolls. They only look at themselves and not for the other people, its always a fake concerned and a fake smiles, a fake statements and a fake love. Nobody really cares! I developed a feeling of mistrust to all the good things because of the reality that is continuously and disturbingly slapping me. Is this really the society I lived in? At the end of the day, I am coming into conclusion that this world is really lived to be about I? It's the I-Society with phony compassion and wicked intentions. Agh! Enough of this wandering for now, I am afraid that if I see things clearer, I will not be able to swallow it and be choked to death and be doomed forever.

Emo notes

If only he could see her now...

11:40 AM

This entry was supposed to be posted on 28 August 2013.

---------

Sara Crewe
Photo Source: http://www.ne.jp/asahi/ramdas/sara/illust/sara/sara14.jpg

It's been 16 years since a child was awaken from the dreamland and the fairy tale universe. The little princess suddenly needs to be a grown-up kid with a burden to carry. She had discovered reality far ahead from the other kids on the block. But, she has conquered and continuously conquering it all. She had learned that experience and mistakes are indeed the best teachers in the subject called LIFE.

With her childhood fear to deal with things her young mind cannot comprehend. She get her inspiration to her favorite cartoon character Sara Crewe. Like Sara, her father was taken from her early, not enough to prepare her to stand alone and to be on her own. She told herself, if Sara made it, then she can too.

Sara Crewe with her father
Photo Source: http://www.ne.jp/asahi/ramdas/sara/illust/sara/sara25.jpg

But as she continues her journey, she realized that they were not the same. Unlike Sara, there are no promises of redemption in her case. During those times, it was only her blind faith that keeps her going. She has learned to depend not to anyone but herself. Another thing that separates her from Sara's character is the fact that Sara only needs to live for Emily, but she has live for her family.

She tried to be stronger, and still trying to be. A lot of times she feel so alone in the battle, but she always go back to the promise that she made her father. Although, her father didn't come back for her, she knows that somewhere over the changing skies, he is watching her. He is also helping her, in some ways or another, to fulfill her promises with him.

But now she just misses her Papa. It's been 16 years since that fateful day.

Sometimes the girl is hoping that she is indeed Sara Crewe and that eventually her father will come back and will tell her that from now on everything's gonna be alright. With this she responds "I may not be Sara Crewe, because I am my own person, and I know my father need not to come back because I believe he is always on our side, guiding us to the right path and helping us get through life."

-----------

Papa, you are remembered always and I dedicate this song for you. :)

Song: If you could see me now by The Script.

dark notes

Requiem for Reality

2:39 PM

Emo notes

Zombie

10:45 PM

Emo notes

Abyss

11:20 PM

Emo notes

Cryptic

4:47 PM

Emo notes

The end is just the beginning

5:10 PM

Emo notes

Reconnecting with the Savior

10:56 PM

I am in my most weakest point today, my head hurts, it can't stop pounding. I was diagnose with some disease recently which is very unlikely. I am physically weak, I guess it's the result of all the work and studying I have done, plus the fact that sometimes I do not know how to stop. I guess this is some sort of blessing in disguise for me to rest. So far, this has been the longest that I am in idle mode and in bed rest. My head still pounds but I need to do something, it's really hard to feel useless, much being incompetent.

I might be in my weakest point physically, but that does not in anyway affect my faith to our Savior. This note was actually days delayed due to my sickness but as they say, it's better late than never.

While we were in church last Sunday, Father Joshua, who I once hated for his stance in RH bill, (but I respected his opinion) have delivered a very inspirational and soulful homily. I think I have reconnected with God through his homily and I feel that I need to share this to everyone. It's how Jesus Christ have died for our sins to save us and to be with us, stereotypical right? but no, the way he gives color to it made everything special.

At this point, I want you to think of your the person you always look up to, someone who is very powerful? Let's just say you wanna meet the President to redress your grievances or your Mayor just to be realistic. Easy? No? Can they listen to your rants patiently and somehow solve it? What if it's humanly impossible? Are we just gonna cry in the corner and be hopeless. Of course not! Through his homily, Father Joshua unveiled that the most powerful the Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent God is in fact the most reachable, the most patient and the most powerful who can be with us during our difficult times and help us solve our problems. Imagine, how lucky we are to always have at our side the most powerful God that we oftentimes taken for granted. We don't need to make appointments, to be hesitant on what we have to say, to be hopeless and frustrated when we are not being heard? What we need is just close our eyes and die. I meant not literally, but die and forget ourselves, forget all the superficial things around us and be like a child seeking Him. I know it's hard to do, but just knowing that we had a close access to God is already a great relief, what we need is just to master the art of praying.

As I am writing this, my headache is slowly subsiding, I believe that more than the medicines, it is my relationship to Him that is making me strong. I am nothing without Him seriously. I remember the time when I really have nothing but my faith to face the realities of life, He is there to stand as my mentor, my father and my friend. I am nothing without him. So for those who is drifting away and feeling alone, remember you have the most powerful armor just by your side to stand and protect you from the harm, to save you from you sins, to be your friend when you feel that you are alone and to love you unconditionally. He is none other than our Father, the Lord God Jesus Christ.

So if you are in pain, you have wishes, I want to share some random thoughts/passages to help you get though with it.

"So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours."-

Mark 11:24

If God has given us His only begotten son, what more our little wishes? Just have faith, I believe that He will give us what we need in due time, just like our salvation when He selflessly offered his son to save us from our sins.

What's Up?!

Of Wicked and false pretense

The search for infinite abyss: Garden State movie review

The wandering

If only he could see her now...

Requiem for Reality

Zombie

Abyss

Cryptic

The end is just the beginning

Reconnecting with the Savior

Goodread's quotes

Finyapol’s quotes

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