While singing in the karaoke, my eyes caught a song in the list which was my favorite back then. It was a song from 4 Non Blondes. I don't know why it became my favorite, my guess? maybe because of its melody. I haven't really understood its lyrics then, hmmm ..maybe I have... but not as I understand it now.

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
just to get it all out what's in my head
and I am feeling a little peculiar
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution

Well nothing really, just some random thought and a post. A sign of quarter-life crisis maybe. 

Meh! 

While browsing IMDb.com I came across the film Garden State. It's a 2004 film starred by Natalie Portman and Zach Braff. It's rated 7.6 stars so I downloaded it in a "file-sharing site" which according to my professor in Intellectual Property law is "legal" or is clothed to be "legal". LOL. Whatever means I used in getting a copy of this film is not important what matters is I got a copy in dvdrip. The movie is well..not about the vegetables nor plants! Sorry for trying to be humorous. (insert rolling eyes)  

The film follows Andrew Largeman who went home after 13 years (Oh wait 9 years? Whatever!) to attend the funeral of her mother whom he have not seen since he left home. He is in garden state, well actually garden state was not defined but I guess it's about a state of being caught in the middle of something searching for something like a home or something you can connect to, but actually there is none and it was like a state of being numb without feelings without anything. Whew! That was really wordful for a definition! Anyway, so going back to Largeman, he was in a garden state, he can't feel anything, he can't even cry for God sake! He was like a living dead. Then came Sam (portrayed by Natalie Portman) whom he met in a hospital while he was waiting for his appointment with a neurologist recommended by his father. Sam played mysterious, but it was later on the bluff was discovered, she told him that she is liar and its just a facade to cover up her own wound. She is epileptic.

Anyway, what I liked about the film is the story line itself mirroring the reality and discovering that living is really quite painful sometimes. Like what normal people are feeling about life, whether they acknowledge it or deny it. We are all in search of that infinite abyss. The idea of discovering something, of making a mark, and proving ourselves that somehow causes unhappiness to some people. But at the end of the day, it really does not matter, because it is all EGO. I am personally guilty of this, because we all felt that we are ought to leave make a mark in this world and somewhere, somehow we are like in search of something we do not know that frustrates us, for what?.. nothing! So it is helpful to know that while we are all searching for infinite abyss, we should still get hold of the things that are important. Things that are already within our reach like family, friends..., we should not succumb to the darkness of infinite abyss or else we will also be in garden state with nothing to hold unto,connected to none. Now, it make sense to me the dialogue of Largeman about having lost connection and not finding home because he lose the string going back home, searching for something in the infinite abyss. It's a reminder that while we are pursuing things we thought that are important, we should not forget to tend to our 'home' where we are connected, it's a piece of string that we should not let go no matter what or we will lose everything. 

Ok, so since I was really infected by this film, let me share some viral lines from the movie. 

From Albert: 

From Andrew Largeman: 

You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Photo credit: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/garden-state-quotes-that-seemed-more-profound-in-high-school